Wow … after I jumped, it occurred to me:

Life is perfect, life is the best. It’s full of magic and beauty … opportunity and television. And surprises. Lots of surprises, yeah.

And then there’s that stuff that everybody longs for … but they only really feel it when it’s gone. All that just kind of hit me. I guess you don’t really see it all that clearly when you’re … you know … alive.

I guess you could say my life only really started about two weeks ago. That’s when I lost my best friend Izzy … and found Eloise.

Eloise. She was something to live for and I guess that means something to die for. Some people said she was just a dumb slut, but I knew she wasn’t dumb. Whatever Eloise was or wasn’t didn’t matter to me. She was the love of my life … even though I hadn’t actually met her … yet.

‎"I'm tired of trying to sound so cool and I'm tired of breaking all the rules on purpose. It's not worth it, we're not perfect, I like you shirtless. I'm tired of idealizing love and I'm tired of romanticizing death. I'm tired of criticizing you without enough information to be accurate."

Thanksgiving a few years ago:

Julie and I cleaned out the shed in my backyard. We hung up Christmas lights, had a table and makeshift/half-broken chairs, a mirror, and hung up a poster Julie made.

I don't remember if it was Thanksgiving night or the night after, but we decided to have dinner in the shed. At the time my house was going through some remodeling and so getting in and out of the house and into the backyard was difficult, because steps hadn't been built yet. Anyway, Julie stayed in the shed while I went into the house to grab some food. I gathered a few packets of Gogurt, two glasses, and I think some orange juice.

Now, the task was to get out of the house safely with this food. Being the stubborn person that I am, I didn't want to make two trips so I bear-hugged all of these things and decided I would take a chance. See, the problem was that I placed a not-so-sturdy chair next to the house to step onto since we didn't have steps built.

So there I go, bear-hugging this shit and stepping onto this chair, and BAM! There I land on the wet grass. The fall was about 4 feet, but I landed with my ribs on bricks! Needless to say, I had the air knocked out of me. So there I am, rolling around on the wet grass, in the dark, covered in Gogurt and broken glass. Gasping for air, I crawl over to the shed and all I could get out was, "oooh oooh I can't breathe".

Guess Julie's reaction? She laughed her ass off.
Yup, I thought I was dying and my best friend was laughing at me.
Good times.

Egon Schiele
Single Houses
1915

“The simple fact is that if she and I choose to love each other, if we are attached to each other, which we have been for a long time for that matter, we are doing no harm which people have a right to reproach either one of us with. And in my eyes it is absurd that people should feel obliged to bother their heads about it.”

Vincent van Gogh
At this time, Vincent was 31 year old.

Letter to Theo van Gogh
Nuenen, November 1884

Vincent van Gogh
Water Mill at Gennep
1884

I do this thing where I think I'm real sick, but I won't go to the doctor to find out about it. 'Cus they make you stay real still in a real small space as they chart up your sides and put them on display. They'd see all of it, all of me. All of the good that wont come out of me and all the stupid lies I hide behind.

I think I'll go out and embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street. You say I choose sadness, that it never once has chosen me. Maybe You're right.

Rilo Kiley -All the Good that Won't Come Out

“I was trying to date this girl who wasn’t available. We were talking hours and hours a day and sending hundreds and hundreds of texts and e-mails, and spending all this money on trips, and there would be times where I would pull away and just ask her, “Why? Why are you still calling me? Why is this still continuing?” I felt like I was conning her. There was some magic in me that was making this person question everything and continue this dance with me. During this whole ordeal I was very confident and outgoing, but in my alone time I was crying on the floor every day — and I enjoyed it, I enjoyed every second of my misery. The deeper and the darker it went, the more pleasant it felt.”

I received a letter filled with wonderful things from my pen-pal Manon of France.

Le sentiment de la chair (The Sentiment of the Flesh) -2010
Just watched one of the most disturbing movies ever. And even though she plays a creepy character in this movie, she's still really beautiful. Yep, that's a girl in the middle of surgery. Her boyfriend's the doctor performing the surgery. Her doctor/boyfriend is making out with her open wound.

I've been jamming to this for days now.

I know I can't have Melanie Laurent, but I really wish I'd find someone as lovely as she is. I watched a video of her once. It was a French interview so I couldn't understand most of what she was saying, but I sat there listening to her voice. Just wishing I could find someone like her to love and who'd love me back. She was chain smoking while being interviewed in the video. And she had dirty, messy, greasy hair and wore no make-up. She looked so beautiful. That's when I decided I would marry a French girl. 

A friend of mine is in a play called Return to the Forbidden Planet and invited me to go see it. I went tonight and had a good time. The play was made up of a lot of dancing, rock music, and Shakespeare. Weird mix, right? I haven't read much of Shakespeare's work so I didn't understand why so many people were laughing so much, but it was still very fun. At the end of they play the entire cast danced to Great Balls of Fire. My friend pulled me onto the stage to dance with her. Let me tell you, I'm a terrible dancer and so when she reached out for my hand I was going to pull away, but I decided to just get up for her. I gave her a little spin and that was that. Good times. I should probably mention that before she and I became friends I saw her across school campus one day and nudged Julie. I pointed her out and told Julie that I thought she was pretty. Next thing you know we were friends. She says that if she were a lesbian we'd probably be girlfriends, haha. Oh and I later found out that she's actually really good friends with one of my exes. Small world. That's about it. The end.

so this happened today

I still have to write five papers for my contemporary art history class. I spent the day in the library on campus. I need to find my library card so I could bring these babies home.

i still sleep under the blanket my ex girlfriend made me. we broke up eight months ago. it's about time i put it away.

Unmade Beds (2009) -Déborah François & Fernando Tielve

for you, every person is like a planet. and two different planets can never become one. two people together will always be: one plus one. i preferred to think of us as bubbles. because when they touch, they merge into one another. but i know what you meant. two people together will always be one plus one.

and also:

last night consisted of:

L'amacoeur (2010)

The Exploding Girl (2009)

I watched two movies today. L'amacoeur and The Exploding Girl. I watched one right after the other and although they're completely different, I liked both of them a lot. Maybe The Exploding Girl a little more, maybe a lot more. The way it was shot made me think of Wendy & Lucy which is another great movie. But L'amacoeur had its scenes. I've only had this Netflix for about a month, but using the shit out of it.

It's morning.

I knew a girl with green eyes once. She worked at a coffee shop all day long. After work, she'd come visit me at home. She'd lay in my bed, exhausted from work, and we'd just talk and take photos of each other. And when she'd leave, she'd leave my bed sheets smelling of delicious coffee. I really miss that.

If every morning began like this then I'd probably be one of the happiest persons I know.